Naptime and Pristiq (And Elvis Costello)

I lay down for my usual 3 pm nap today. Sometimes I don’t sleep at all, just lay there and relax the body. Today I took some Valium and slipped under my blankets. I grabbed my stuffed rabbit & cuddled him. My tortie came in & curled up on my pillow, laying her head down […]

Successful Suicide! Except Interrupted. (Don’t Try This at Home)

Returned from the psych hospital last Friday night. It was wonderful to see the kids, the cats. Even my husband appeared to be legitimately happy to have returned with a living, breathing wife, if only so that he didn’t have to tell his parents that his wife had killed herself. It was dinner time and […]

In the end


Emptiness and Isolation Will Kill Me

  THIS POST IS NOT A CRY FOR HELP, JUST A COMMENTARY ON THE THINGS THAT HAPPEN BEFORE THAT LAST BREATH. I just tried to take my life. My husband could tell I was desperate and had followed me upstairs, and I was screaming at him to get out, to leave me alone. “But I […]

Post Hospitalization: I Thought They Were Supposed to Make Me Better

My husband and daughter came to fetch me tonight and I was happy to see them but I started to feel the weight on me instantly.  I walked down the hall, it got heavier on my shoulders and chest with every step. I collected my “sharps” – glass items, my good razor – from the […]

The Life-Saving Art of Martin Wittfooth

All I want to do is go to bed, but I just noticed that awfully neglected ‘ART’ category up at the top of my page. And, well, it’s Day 22 here at McLean. So I don’t want to go to bed unhappy. So I will share with you some of the magical work of my […]

Dear Jigsaw, Are You Accepting Patients?

So tomorrow will make it two weeks since I’ve been here. I am scheduled to be discharged. I’m not sure how many times I have told my ‘team’ that I still do not feel safe, they are treating me like I’m a baby. We have check in teams and the nurses say “No, you have […]

In-patient: Time to Manipulate Myself – 101 Things that Make Me Happy

Woke up at a 1, jumped to 5 in group, suicidal 10 after meeting with team. Not sure what the issue was, but hopelessness washed over me in such extreme waves & dragged me out on an undertow & I proceeded to drown myself in tearful hysteria on the locked bathroom floor for a while. […]

In-patient: Days 5 & 6 (Potential Triggers – not really though)

DAY 5 Today one of the women (K) was waiting for meds at the nurses station. The same nurse who had checked me in on Friday night. Some conversation ensued, I didn’t catch the whole thing – something about how everybody has problems. K: Yes, my sister-in-law is a psychiatric nurse and she has plenty […]

In-patient: Days 1-4 (Potential Triggers)

You would think I would have more to say than I actually do, this whole “everyone else expresses themselves so much better than I do bit” again. DAY 1 I checked in at the ER at Mt. Auburn around 10am on Friday, explained that I was getting ready to die and the nurses had arranged for […]