Waking the Dragon of Slumbering CPTSD

Mar 25, 2015

I didn’t know I had Complex PTSD until I was 36 years old. I deliberately turned off my trauma – tossed it, pretended it never happened – when Social Services removed my sister and I from our mother’s custody and placed us with our newly sober and forever ex-criminal father. We never talked about our […]

A Stabbing – Because Magically Mad Lost a Follower and Her BPD Says it’s Because She’s Garbage

Jul 17, 2012

And, while I’m reactive, I’m also selective in my obscenity. So I’ll decline to cyber-moon my Unfollower, but here’s my Fuck You. Unfollow this. Sorry to the few of you for whom this is repetitive. Brighton, Summer 1983 – Mom Stabs Bobby.

Emptiness and Isolation Will Kill Me

Jul 1, 2012

  THIS POST IS NOT A CRY FOR HELP, JUST A COMMENTARY ON THE THINGS THAT HAPPEN BEFORE THAT LAST BREATH. I just tried to take my life. My husband could tell I was desperate and had followed me upstairs, and I was screaming at him to get out, to leave me alone. “But I […]

When Borderline Attacks: Attachment, Rejection, Abandonment – All in One Night! (featuring Jimmy Gnecco and Ours)

Jun 29, 2012

So, back at the hospital I met a girl – I think I mentioned her in one of my “Inpatient” posts – the girl with the guitar and the Katrina canine rescue. Let’s call her K. I bought tickets to see possibly my favorite live act – typically I go alone to see Jimmy Gnecco […]

Post Hospitalization: I Thought They Were Supposed to Make Me Better

Jun 19, 2012

My husband and daughter came to fetch me tonight and I was happy to see them but I started to feel the weight on me instantly.  I walked down the hall, it got heavier on my shoulders and chest with every step. I collected my “sharps” – glass items, my good razor – from the […]

In-patient: Day 19: Group Therapy – PTSD

Jun 13, 2012

I’ve attended this group 3 weeks in a row, it’s the best group. The group is patient-driven, & one of the topics that came up was whether someone with PTSD (or Complex PTSD) could shed their victimization. A, who brought it up, is 19 or 20, posed it like this: “If you were harmed by […]

In-patient: Days 5 & 6 (Potential Triggers – not really though)

Jun 1, 2012

DAY 5 Today one of the women (K) was waiting for meds at the nurses station. The same nurse who had checked me in on Friday night. Some conversation ensued, I didn’t catch the whole thing – something about how everybody has problems. K: Yes, my sister-in-law is a psychiatric nurse and she has plenty […]

In-patient: Days 1-4 (Potential Triggers)

May 31, 2012

You would think I would have more to say than I actually do, this whole “everyone else expresses themselves so much better than I do bit” again. DAY 1 I checked in at the ER at Mt. Auburn around 10am on Friday, explained that I was getting ready to die and the nurses had arranged for […]

An Anthem to Suicidality &/or All of Our Disorders? Please watch this video.

May 23, 2012

Bear with me here. Have been UNDER for a week, forced myself to post last week, but have been hardly able to read any other blogs, much less post one. I have been wanting to die and unable to find a bed at a hospital where I would actually be ok at. I am always […]

Hospitalization in Brooklyn Part 1: How I Learned the Verrazano Bridge is not for Pedestrians

May 5, 2012

  Haven’t posted for a few days, been down deep. Blech. Don’t feel like addressing feelings or bitching out my disorders or yelling at meds, so, can I tell a story? I have what is growing into a litany of “disorders” – Complex PTSD, Major Depression, Borderline, Anxiety Disorder, Treatment Resistant Depression, now ADD. Only […]

Wait, what?

Sitting in the window watching for my kids’ bus. A car pulls up and a boy, 7 or 8 in baseball getup, gets out and runs to the back of the house across the street. The car, silver, idles – a man inside. I start to hear pounding, as of fists on a door. The pitch […]

Quiet, Muted Despair

The depression is ingrained after so many years – there almost every day – but every day seems to have it’s own manifestation. I almost wish I was at my worst so I could hospitalize and be cared for. I wish I was dead but am not suicidal, the ideation is there but not the […]

Boston, Summer 1983 – Paper Girl ends my not-so-promising hoodlum career

A few more minor events stand out. There was a girl, 10 or 11, who had a paper route on North Beacon.  My little gang – my Lebanese neighbors, a Jamaican girl from across the street – and I secretly mocked her.  She must have been the only white girl in the neighborhood besides me.  […]

Something lighter – Papercuts

Patrick Gannon is an American cut-paper artist who works and lives in Japan. His work has been shown in galleries throughout the US, Europe and Asia.

Waking the Dragon of Slumbering CPTSD

I didn’t know I had Complex PTSD until I was 36 years old. I deliberately turned off my trauma – tossed it, pretended it never happened – when Social Services removed my sister and I from our mother’s custody and placed us with our newly sober and forever ex-criminal father. We never talked about our […]