I didn’t know I had Complex PTSD until I was 36 years old. I deliberately turned off my trauma – tossed it, pretended it never happened – when Social Services removed my sister and I from our mother’s custody and placed us with our newly sober and forever ex-criminal father. We never talked about our […]
Emptiness and Isolation Will Kill Me
THIS POST IS NOT A CRY FOR HELP, JUST A COMMENTARY ON THE THINGS THAT HAPPEN BEFORE THAT LAST BREATH. I just tried to take my life. My husband could tell I was desperate and had followed me upstairs, and I was screaming at him to get out, to leave me alone. “But I […]
Post Hospitalization: I Thought They Were Supposed to Make Me Better
My husband and daughter came to fetch me tonight and I was happy to see them but I started to feel the weight on me instantly. I walked down the hall, it got heavier on my shoulders and chest with every step. I collected my “sharps” – glass items, my good razor – from the […]
In-patient: Day 19: Group Therapy – PTSD
I’ve attended this group 3 weeks in a row, it’s the best group. The group is patient-driven, & one of the topics that came up was whether someone with PTSD (or Complex PTSD) could shed their victimization. A, who brought it up, is 19 or 20, posed it like this: “If you were harmed by […]
In-patient: Days 5 & 6 (Potential Triggers – not really though)
DAY 5 Today one of the women (K) was waiting for meds at the nurses station. The same nurse who had checked me in on Friday night. Some conversation ensued, I didn’t catch the whole thing – something about how everybody has problems. K: Yes, my sister-in-law is a psychiatric nurse and she has plenty […]
An Anthem to Suicidality &/or All of Our Disorders? Please watch this video.
Bear with me here. Have been UNDER for a week, forced myself to post last week, but have been hardly able to read any other blogs, much less post one. I have been wanting to die and unable to find a bed at a hospital where I would actually be ok at. I am always […]
Hospitalization in Brooklyn Part 1: How I Learned the Verrazano Bridge is not for Pedestrians
Haven’t posted for a few days, been down deep. Blech. Don’t feel like addressing feelings or bitching out my disorders or yelling at meds, so, can I tell a story? I have what is growing into a litany of “disorders” – Complex PTSD, Major Depression, Borderline, Anxiety Disorder, Treatment Resistant Depression, now ADD. Only […]