Waking the Dragon of Slumbering CPTSD

I didn’t know I had Complex PTSD until I was 36 years old. I deliberately turned off my trauma – tossed it, pretended it never happened – when Social Services removed my sister and I from our mother’s custody and placed us with our newly sober and forever ex-criminal father. We never talked about our […]

In which I resented babies and learned to love them

It’s been a LONG time since I’ve written an original post, so excuse my writing, I’m rusty and disjointed on medication that for the most part works. When my Cenobites are raging the words flow and flow and flow. The medication takes the words and chains the Cenobites and keeps the real me at bay. […]

Naptime and Pristiq (And Elvis Costello)

I lay down for my usual 3 pm nap today. Sometimes I don’t sleep at all, just lay there and relax the body. Today I took some Valium and slipped under my blankets. I grabbed my stuffed rabbit & cuddled him. My tortie came in & curled up on my pillow, laying her head down […]

A Stabbing – Because Magically Mad Lost a Follower and Her BPD Says it’s Because She’s Garbage

And, while I’m reactive, I’m also selective in my obscenity. So I’ll decline to cyber-moon my Unfollower, but here’s my Fuck You. Unfollow this. Sorry to the few of you for whom this is repetitive. Brighton, Summer 1983 – Mom Stabs Bobby.

Emptiness and Isolation Will Kill Me

  THIS POST IS NOT A CRY FOR HELP, JUST A COMMENTARY ON THE THINGS THAT HAPPEN BEFORE THAT LAST BREATH. I just tried to take my life. My husband could tell I was desperate and had followed me upstairs, and I was screaming at him to get out, to leave me alone. “But I […]

When Borderline Attacks: Attachment, Rejection, Abandonment – All in One Night! (featuring Jimmy Gnecco and Ours)

So, back at the hospital I met a girl – I think I mentioned her in one of my “Inpatient” posts – the girl with the guitar and the Katrina canine rescue. Let’s call her K. I bought tickets to see possibly my favorite live act – typically I go alone to see Jimmy Gnecco […]

In-patient: Day 19: Group Therapy – PTSD

I’ve attended this group 3 weeks in a row, it’s the best group. The group is patient-driven, & one of the topics that came up was whether someone with PTSD (or Complex PTSD) could shed their victimization. A, who brought it up, is 19 or 20, posed it like this: “If you were harmed by […]

Reblogging: What Is Essential in Life . . .

Any Borderline could use this piece of wisdom, it’s like a kick in the ass, but is good to have for those of us who love in survival mode.   What Is Essential in Life . . ..

Dear Jigsaw, Are You Accepting Patients?

So tomorrow will make it two weeks since I’ve been here. I am scheduled to be discharged. I’m not sure how many times I have told my ‘team’ that I still do not feel safe, they are treating me like I’m a baby. We have check in teams and the nurses say “No, you have […]

In-patient: Days 5 & 6 (Potential Triggers – not really though)

DAY 5 Today one of the women (K) was waiting for meds at the nurses station. The same nurse who had checked me in on Friday night. Some conversation ensued, I didn’t catch the whole thing – something about how everybody has problems. K: Yes, my sister-in-law is a psychiatric nurse and she has plenty […]