Emptiness and Isolation Will Kill Me

Except the bird has wings, if he choses to employ them…

 

THIS POST IS NOT A CRY FOR HELP, JUST A COMMENTARY ON THE THINGS THAT HAPPEN BEFORE THAT LAST BREATH.

I just tried to take my life. My husband could tell I was desperate and had followed me upstairs, and I was screaming at him to get out, to leave me alone. “But I love you so much, please don’t do this.” I had the bottle of tricyclics in my hand and I got to the furthest reaches of my bed and he tried to get close by I kept kicking him and this was effective enough to get the entire bottle into my mouth. I already had the bottle of water in my hand but every time I tried to take a sip he batted my arm away. My 17 year old daughter came in the room and started to cry and after screaming at her 50x to leave my room she walked out. It was enough for me to spit the pills into my hand and toss what was left – 19 pills – into a box of tissues. Now my bed is covered with the red of the pills, water and an unseemly pile of semi-melted pharmaceutical powder.

I managed to preserve 19 of them, and have another 30 in another bottle. But he doesn’t know that – I told him I had THREE more bottles and that he didn’t know where to find them. I will have another 30 coming in about 2 weeks, supposedly it will only take 8 pills to kill me based on bodyweight, but I like to be extra sure. In them meantime, 2 hours later my tongue is still numb and I am thinking of taking the 50 at bedtime, when he won’t notice that I’m asleep.

Earlier in the day I took my older daughters to the mall to buy clothes, spent more than $300, they got bathing suits too. But when I got home I let myself just collapse into this burgeoning depression – so much for the lithium – I always have a placebo effect going when I start new meds. And so much for it curbing suicidal thoughts. I went to my bedroom and cried and cried and cried. I got up to go downstairs to collect my rabbit art dolls but my husband came into the room at that moment and tried to talk me out of my hysteria. It worked briefly.

I feel like I am being beaten to death by something invisible and the psychic pain is unbearable. I wish I WAS being beaten to death – I’d be out of my misery. Although this will kill me, I just have to make the decision. Which I had.

My 16 year old daughter came into my room shortly after my husband left and insisted we go to the beach. I told her I couldn’t I’d just taken 4mg of clonapin. She said she’d drive. I said I couldn’t, not in this state. She continued to hound me and finally I said “I want to die right now, can you please show some respect?” Her response was this: “OK, well I don’t think you give a shit about any of your kids.  You only leave the house when YOU want to.” Which, aside from being hurtful, is inaccurate. I told her to shut the fuck up. That’s what set me off. I went downstairs, told my husband what she had said to me and noted that I couldn’t fucking take it anymore, probably starting to get hysterical again. That must have been what had him follow me upstairs.

And I can’t take it any more. Every drug they give me fails and I sink lower and lower into a pit where there is no one else, not so much as a centipede. And at this time there are no obvious footholds with which to climb out. All I see is mental starvation, emotional torture and a sense of abject loneliness and isolation which are absolutely resistant to ANYTHING and ANYONE. There is nothing good, and I can’t feel or see anything through this Iron Maiden that I’ve been living in for so long that even my nerve endings could give a fuck.

Crippling isolation

It’s 8pm here. He will be with the kids downstairs until 9:30. I feel so empty that I don’t care about anything except to not be. I’d prefer not to kill myself – I’d rather I had never been born, but I was. And so I have to do something about it. I think 2000mg will do the trick. As long as I don’t have convulsions, M will just think I’m asleep if he checks on me. Then he’ll climb in and sleep through the night. I feel like I should fight this, but I don’t want to anymore – it always comes back with a vengeance, like it’s pissed off that I checked into the hospital or tried a new pharma to kill it. It doesn’t want to be killed. It wants to kill me.

A much better emptiness than mine. Except I’ll be cremated, so no options for a skull decorated in flowers…

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Comments

  1. sending huge amounts of love your way ………………
    Huge ………………
    😦
    please stay strong xx
    I don’t even know your name ……
    can i send you a song that is really beautiful and soothing ?

    xo
    Cat

  2. It’s morning here – please don’t go – email me on juligoyder@gmail.com
    I have to go out for a while but will check in later and there better be a message from you!

  3. Jill!!! Please go to the hospital. Please! You must hold on. Luke came through the fire for you. You’ve got to be there for him. …And all of us, whose worlds are brighter with you in it.

  4. Thinking of you. I really enjoy your writing but haven’t commented. Please hang in there – this will pass. If hospitals and meds don’t help, there are other things to try. Don’t try to kill any part of yourself. It all deserves to be here.

  5. Dorothy says:

    Don’t do it. You’re not in the zone. You feel like shit. I know the feeling too. And you know you’re not alone in the feeling because we’re in the sisterhood and you don’t want to break it up. We’re supposed to go for a walk around the pond and after the 4th I can go, don’t you still want to?
    Tell the fuckers at the hospital that the pills suck or that you’ve become acclimatized to the dosage and need it to be adjusted. I had to have mine upped twice already. You know it works that way, it’s not an easy game we play in this world. We’re the strong ones that’s why we got the illness cause we can take it Jill. You know it. Come on!

  6. Like Cat, I’m sending all the positive vibes in your direction Jill. All these pills and such… A lot of people are averse to the idea of spirituality. I’ve seen it work. Connecting to others, almost like the way we do in blogging sometimes even. But with a community of people practicing some spiritual tenets with whatever their concept of God happens to be. I normally don’t talk about this kind of thing because I would much rather practice and be an example perhaps if that would be the case. It has helped that emptiness that I have felt at times. I go out and feel that my purpose for existence is to help another person, however small the gesture may seem. I’m not perfect and want to murder people often, but if I make my goal for existence to connect in this way, my life has more meaning. I’m not putting down the idea of medication either, Jill. I’m just putting this other idea out there…

  7. Perhaps if you ask the Universe to help you. See what happens. It’s a battle for you I imagine. But at this point what do you have to lose?

    • More disappointment & failure of anything at all to reach the Cenobites? They’re scary fuckers – no one wants to approach them, not medication, not god, not people close to me – no one. Watch the Hellraiser series. Shit, I think I’m going to today – so I can look them all in the face…

  8. Jill please say something!

    • I was waiting for spouse to go to sleep so I could take them. Instead he pulled me down & started playing with my hair & I fell asleep. So I’m breathing, Julie, seriously, I didn’t put this out there as a cry for help, it was a post I thought everyone would relate with & that if I disappeared it was a piece of writing that comes from being at your last breath. That was the purpose. So please honey, don’t trouble yourself with me. Love you!

      • Well you scared the shit out of me and now I’m crying with relief and I don’t even know you – lots of love to you Jill!

  9. Jill. God, I hope you’re alright. I’m thinking of our little contract on Facebook ♥ and those pictures of your beautiful kids I saw earlier and of you. xo

  10. Jill, I don’t even know you, but I just wanted to say that I hear you. I know I can’t fix it, I know I can’t say anything to make it better. But I can hear. I can hear how much your life hurts. And I am sorry. I know that place, and there is nothing worse.

  11. Do any of you guys know what is going on? Is Jill okay?

  12. Oh poppet I am so sorry that you are in such a dark horrid place (hugs). If you’ve had a serious episode like this before, please read how you overcame the feelings on your blog. Only you can make the decision to stay with us here or have neverending sleep

  13. Are you okay sweeteheart? Thinking of you. Big big hugs xx

  14. I know it doesn’t feel like it but whatever you’re feeling can go away. If I had been successful at my suicide attempt I wouldn’t be in the great place I am now. My only memory would be of pain and that’s not how I want it.

    Reach out to whoever you need to. It sounds like you have a good family.

    I send lots of hugs! xoxo

  15. Good lord Jill I hope you’re ok, maybe not inside but at least outside. Please write me!

  16. Jill, you made me cry at work. I hope you are still with us because you have more stories to tell in your brilliant voice. If not, I hope you told your kids you love them and this wasn’t them.

    Crying again,
    xo maggie

  17. Hope you’re OK Magic. I feel the same and wonder if giving up is an option. I don’t think it is though. I hope you didn’t give up.
    Hugs,
    Sailor xoxox

  18. 😦 *hugs* Please hang on. I will be keeping you in my thoughts. I wish I could be there with you right now to support you.

  19. If depression was a person I’d beat the shit out of it and show its sorry ass to the curb.

    Hang in there, fellow warrior.

  20. please just stop for a minute and talk to God, ask Him to give you strength and give you a reason to hold on. I know it sounds cliche’, But He knows you better than anyone. Just try talking to Him, please. I am praying for you.

  21. It’s a rough ride. Hang in there.

  22. I am not sure how I got here but I am.

    I also know nothing I can say will help. I have been in your shoes and I have to share what keeps me here. My belief’s are such that if I do take my own life I will not finish the lessons I was sent here to learn in the first place. Earth IS NOT somewhere I want to come back to, and by taking my own life I believe that I will be sent right back here to finish what I did not the first time. I truly believe this is true and I do not want to spend any more time here than necessary. I pray it will be soon for me but it will not be by my own hand. I have nothing else but to me this is enough to keep me here until it is my time.

    • WOW! You are very strong & full of conviction if you’re entrenched & want to be through but can’t. And, without bringing up religion, that’s pretty sound reasoning. I have no idea why I am still here – I have tried seriously a bunch of times and something always happens, kids come home early & call the police, the NYPD show up on the bridge, terrible noose-work, you name it. Husband. So I guess if I thought about it there must be some reason I am here too. Damned if I know what it is though.

      Thank you for your comments. Very sorry that you do not want to be here, it’s a wretched way to live. I hope that you have some things that you find pleasing while you pass the time. Big hugs!

      • I have to assume that there is a reason I am here too and until I figure it out I have to stay. It sounds like it is the same for you. I know how hard it is not to end things But I am really, really afraid I will have to come back and I hate the idea of coming back more than I want to do away with myself. I have to hide the fact that I do not want to be here anymore. Others do not take kindly to that sort of talk. I lost a couple of good friends over it. But they must not have been part of my mission here. I hope that in some way this may have helped you. Maybe we will find out why together. Big Hugs Back

      • It did, thank you! Yup, “real” friends run away. It’s become comical to me. It would be great to find out together. Hooray! More big hugs XOXO

      • And big hugs to you new friend!

    • WOW! You are very strong & full of conviction if you’re entrenched & want to be through but can’t. And, without bringing up religion, that’s pretty sound reasoning. I have no idea why I am still here – I have tried seriously a bunch of times and something always happens, kids come home early & call the police, the NYPD show up on the bridge, terrible noose-work, you name it. Husband. So I guess if I thought about it there must be some reason I am here too. Damned if I know what it is though.

      Thank you for your comments. Very sorry that you do not want to be here, it’s a wretched way to live. I hope that you have some things that you find pleasing while you pass the time. Big hugs!

      And LOVE your gravatar image!

  23. Hugs!

  24. “And I can’t take it any more. Every drug they give me fails and I sink lower and lower into a pit where there is no one else, not so much as a centipede. And at this time there are no obvious footholds with which to climb out. All I see is mental starvation, emotional torture and a sense of abject loneliness and isolation which are absolutely resistant to ANYTHING and ANYONE.”

    Sososo powerful, ‘magically. Thank you for your courage to share. Wow! What a brave soul you are. I can certainly identify with your sense of hopelessness. It is unbearable. I sometimes think that my attempt was to bring me to a new doctor who prescribed a medication that FINALLY worked. After years and years of hopelessness. God bless your brave soul and I pray for your peace as you travel through your valley.

    -Chris

    • Thank you my friend! I’m glad you got a med that got you under some control, what was it? Mine was Pristiq after my last attempt but I have seasonal triggers (including March but mostly June) that land me in the hospital three times a year that I’m so terrified that it brings it all back, not completely but such that I can’t function. Oh well. Best to you as well, we’ll keep in touch until one of us stops blogging. Sadly, there are only 2 or 3 people left of my followers who were here in 2012 😦 I miss the friendships. Thanks for yours 🙂

      • You are so welcome. Thank you for the blessings of your friendship as well. The doctor at the psychiatric center prescribed 20 MG Lexapro with 2 MG Abilify. I’ve never heard of Pristiq, but perhaps because it doesn’t coincide with my symptoms? I am so sorry for the terror you have to deal with each year. Keep telling your story. You have a beautiful, robust site and you give hope to so many people.

      • You are so nice! I love your site too!

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