Something I Picked Up Inpatient – Award Post 3 of 5

Jun 30, 2012

So you know how support goes, right? Hard to find in daily life, likely NO ONE understands what goes on in our heads? And if they have any idea that we have something fucked up in our heads, then we are looked upon as weak, phony, manipulative, lazy, a bad parent even? That’s largely my experience anyway.

But not on WordPress.

I started this blog when my Cenobites (like Paz’s Pretty Little Demons – PLDs) started to manifest themselves again – let me introduce you to mine:

Complex PTSD, The Big Boss. Watch out, he bites.

Major Depression! A great round of applause for the sick bastard!

Borderline Personality Disorder – Hooray!

Welcome, Anxiety Disorder, you chattering son of bitch!

So that’s what they look like to me, my tormentors, but you all understand. It’s just everyone else who doesn’t. There’s so much to be said for AWARENESS, a movement is in it’s infancy, but by the time my children are my age – and because these afflictions tend to be hereditary – right on down to suicide – I really hope the world around them has a better appreciation for the agonies our conditions cause us, that they can in fact be terminal and that people – a disgusting percentage of them – do die from these disorders. By these nightmares over which we have zero control.

And Suicidality, I am starting to think that should be a diagnosis in itself, as I have had few triggers this Suicide Season. And yet it’s there, in my head, hammering at me much of the time like a battering ram, and no cauldrons of boiling water or fiery artillery shells are going to deter it. I realized that my suicidality has a first name. Then I thought of the Oscar Meyer theme song:

My Suicidality has a first name
It’s S-I-M-O-N

My Suicidality has a second name
It’s K-I-L MYSELF

But what made me think of Simon was him yelling at Gordon to “Do it! Do it!” in Session 9, my favorite psych hospital film ever. I’ll post the last scene here, it’s long but if you are interested in the concept of a man being consumed by an abandoned institution for the mad, you may enjoy it – besides, the last line is GOLDEN. And any mental will love the line, so watch if you can.

**TRIGGER WARNING – ILLUSTRATIONS OF VIOLENCE AND ABUSE. Still a Top 10 selection in my house.

Enough with the introductions, let’s move on to awards. My maternal grandfather was the only sane person on her side of the family. A Canadian immigrant from Ireland, he was mellow, calm in any situation often intervening when my mother went crazy, sympathizing with my Dad because he was dealing with something similar (my grandmother fucked her five kids up so much only my mother married & had kids, & then proceeded to killed herself. Her two sisters declined to have kids, one is essentially homeless now, and both my uncles are high functioning but never married or had kids), visiting my Dad in prison, patching my hand up after I’d split it that night, kept letting my Dad use his car even after he totaled it. He was a thoroughly generous, non-judgmental soul, and I loved being around him as a kid. He died Christmas Eve 1980, when I was six.

With my awesome Papa – Charles E. Conway, in Jamaica Plain, 1978

Passed out w my Papa, 1975

What’s the point? He was part of the “Greatest Generation” – the World War II generation – and he fought in 5 “battles” in Europe, including the Battle of The Bulge. Would this generation have supported the mental illness cause? I doubt it. The one friend who came to see me at McLean – her mother is from the “Old Country” (yes, I am of full-blooded Irish stock) and said that her mother sent her love, but that if Linda (doesn’t mind her 1st name being used) ever was sick in the head the way I am she would give her “swift kick in the arse.” However, I know that my grandfather would have supported me, the way he supported my nutty Nana and my mother – unflinchingly.

Here are a few photos he took along his 2 year journey in Europe – posted mostly so that Paz can tell me whether they can be enlarged:

Papa on right

Goofing off after capturing a German (sorry Germans), Briquebec France

Defending a religious service, Essey, France

R&R in Moy, Ireland

You get the point. So I was inpatient for 24 days, right, but my own husband avoided visiting, although he had visited constantly during past hospitalizations. One friend came, another two offered, and lots were supportive on FB (of course I’m ‘checkin in’ – it’s all about awareness), but I noticed that most of them, like most of my wordpress friends, have never actually met me. Those who DO know me largely avoided engagement in any way. Only one of my cousins commented. My best friends did not get in touch, send me e-mails or anything, even though I clearly had my laptop. And I wouldn’t have cared about any of that except for the fact people who know me only through my haiku site (on FB) or through online games I used to play (fairyland on FB, growing plants and spotting critters – anything to escape real life) and, of course, on WordPress. So, I thought of my grandfather, who would have been in to see me all the time and would probably have plenty of wisdom to dish out and I thought that lots of you deserved a special, original award for “being there” – lots of you really were, and I can’t tell you how much it means to have you, although most of you know the feeling…

So, without another mile of background, I present this award – The Allies of Support Award for Support Above and Beyond the Call of Duty:

Thank you for your many kindnesses. Yes, that’s Joe in the Howitzer, the dog my grandfather adopted inGermany & took home on the ship with him. The only rule with this award is that it stay in the mental health/health community and be awarded to readers have consistently been supportive. And these are the bloggers who have understood me, kept my chin up and supported me even when I was stuck at the bottom:

Kevin at: http://voicesofglass.com/

Dotty at: http://dottyheadbanger.wordpress.com/

Mandi at: http://mmstores.wordpress.com/

Dot at: http://bipolardisordersucks.wordpress.com/

Paz at: http://melancholicallymanic.wordpress.com/

Carrie at: http://sailorcarrie.wordpress.com/

Sara at: http://magikdolls.wordpress.com/

Julie at: http://jmgoyder.com/

Sandee at: http://1800ukillme.wordpress.com/

Carla at: http://carlarenee45.wordpress.com/

Miz Roket at: http://mizroketfoto.wordpress.com/

Amy at: http://amyjosprague.wordpress.com/

Linda at: http://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/

Summer Stolstice Girl at : http://summersolsticemusings.wordpress.com/

Sean at: http://alltheavenueslookugly.com/

Cate at: http://infinitesadnessorwhat.wordpress.com/

http://prideinmadness.wordphttp://infinitesadnessorwhat.wordpress.com/ress.com/

http://colourtheday.wordpress.com/

http://halfwaybetweenthegutter.wordpress.com/

and most recently:

Maggie at: http://somethingfathappened.wordpress.com/

Nia at: http://photographyofnia.com/

Just a Thought at: http://stuffredsaid.wordpress.com/

Signe at: http://rocksinmypocketsthemovie.wordpress.com/

Braving Bipolar at:  http://bravingbipolar.wordpress.com/

Verbal Banter at: http://verbalbanter.wordpress.com/

So thank you all. Do pass this around to whoever has held your ahead above water or just provided a shoulder. I can’t tell you all how much it means to me 🙂