Something I Picked Up Inpatient – Award Post 3 of 5

So you know how support goes, right? Hard to find in daily life, likely NO ONE understands what goes on in our heads? And if they have any idea that we have something fucked up in our heads, then we are looked upon as weak, phony, manipulative, lazy, a bad parent even? That’s largely my experience anyway.

But not on WordPress.

I started this blog when my Cenobites (like Paz’s Pretty Little Demons – PLDs) started to manifest themselves again – let me introduce you to mine:

Complex PTSD, The Big Boss. Watch out, he bites.

Major Depression! A great round of applause for the sick bastard!

Borderline Personality Disorder – Hooray!

Welcome, Anxiety Disorder, you chattering son of bitch!

So that’s what they look like to me, my tormentors, but you all understand. It’s just everyone else who doesn’t. There’s so much to be said for AWARENESS, a movement is in it’s infancy, but by the time my children are my age – and because these afflictions tend to be hereditary – right on down to suicide – I really hope the world around them has a better appreciation for the agonies our conditions cause us, that they can in fact be terminal and that people – a disgusting percentage of them – do die from these disorders. By these nightmares over which we have zero control.

And Suicidality, I am starting to think that should be a diagnosis in itself, as I have had few triggers this Suicide Season. And yet it’s there, in my head, hammering at me much of the time like a battering ram, and no cauldrons of boiling water or fiery artillery shells are going to deter it. I realized that my suicidality has a first name. Then I thought of the Oscar Meyer theme song:

My Suicidality has a first name
It’s S-I-M-O-N

My Suicidality has a second name

But what made me think of Simon was him yelling at Gordon to “Do it! Do it!” in Session 9, my favorite psych hospital film ever. I’ll post the last scene here, it’s long but if you are interested in the concept of a man being consumed by an abandoned institution for the mad, you may enjoy it – besides, the last line is GOLDEN. And any mental will love the line, so watch if you can.

**TRIGGER WARNING – ILLUSTRATIONS OF VIOLENCE AND ABUSE. Still a Top 10 selection in my house.

Enough with the introductions, let’s move on to awards. My maternal grandfather was the only sane person on her side of the family. A Canadian immigrant from Ireland, he was mellow, calm in any situation often intervening when my mother went crazy, sympathizing with my Dad because he was dealing with something similar (my grandmother fucked her five kids up so much only my mother married & had kids, & then proceeded to killed herself. Her two sisters declined to have kids, one is essentially homeless now, and both my uncles are high functioning but never married or had kids), visiting my Dad in prison, patching my hand up after I’d split it that night, kept letting my Dad use his car even after he totaled it. He was a thoroughly generous, non-judgmental soul, and I loved being around him as a kid. He died Christmas Eve 1980, when I was six.

With my awesome Papa – Charles E. Conway, in Jamaica Plain, 1978

Passed out w my Papa, 1975

What’s the point? He was part of the “Greatest Generation” – the World War II generation – and he fought in 5 “battles” in Europe, including the Battle of The Bulge. Would this generation have supported the mental illness cause? I doubt it. The one friend who came to see me at McLean – her mother is from the “Old Country” (yes, I am of full-blooded Irish stock) and said that her mother sent her love, but that if Linda (doesn’t mind her 1st name being used) ever was sick in the head the way I am she would give her “swift kick in the arse.” However, I know that my grandfather would have supported me, the way he supported my nutty Nana and my mother – unflinchingly.

Here are a few photos he took along his 2 year journey in Europe – posted mostly so that Paz can tell me whether they can be enlarged:

Papa on right

Goofing off after capturing a German (sorry Germans), Briquebec France

Defending a religious service, Essey, France

R&R in Moy, Ireland

You get the point. So I was inpatient for 24 days, right, but my own husband avoided visiting, although he had visited constantly during past hospitalizations. One friend came, another two offered, and lots were supportive on FB (of course I’m ‘checkin in’ – it’s all about awareness), but I noticed that most of them, like most of my wordpress friends, have never actually met me. Those who DO know me largely avoided engagement in any way. Only one of my cousins commented. My best friends did not get in touch, send me e-mails or anything, even though I clearly had my laptop. And I wouldn’t have cared about any of that except for the fact people who know me only through my haiku site (on FB) or through online games I used to play (fairyland on FB, growing plants and spotting critters – anything to escape real life) and, of course, on WordPress. So, I thought of my grandfather, who would have been in to see me all the time and would probably have plenty of wisdom to dish out and I thought that lots of you deserved a special, original award for “being there” – lots of you really were, and I can’t tell you how much it means to have you, although most of you know the feeling…

So, without another mile of background, I present this award – The Allies of Support Award for Support Above and Beyond the Call of Duty:

Thank you for your many kindnesses. Yes, that’s Joe in the Howitzer, the dog my grandfather adopted inGermany & took home on the ship with him. The only rule with this award is that it stay in the mental health/health community and be awarded to readers have consistently been supportive. And these are the bloggers who have understood me, kept my chin up and supported me even when I was stuck at the bottom:

Kevin at:

Dotty at:

Mandi at:

Dot at:

Paz at:

Carrie at:

Sara at:

Julie at:

Sandee at:

Carla at:

Miz Roket at:

Amy at:

Linda at:

Summer Stolstice Girl at :

Sean at:

Cate at:


and most recently:

Maggie at:

Nia at:

Just a Thought at:

Signe at:

Braving Bipolar at:

Verbal Banter at:

So thank you all. Do pass this around to whoever has held your ahead above water or just provided a shoulder. I can’t tell you all how much it means to me 🙂


  1. thank you for thinking of me when awarding this. I am sure that you would support me as well if I go impatient again. Thank you for sharing so much about your family and your history also. (((hugs))).

  2. This is so nice post, I am impressed so much dear Magical lady. Congratulations on these awards, you deserve. And Thank you for thinking of me too, I am honored. Love, nia

  3. I don’t know how I kept your chin up lady, but I’m really glad I did. You have too! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

    I also started this blog when the PLDs moved in again sometime in late November of last year. Never knew it was going to be so helpful, or rather, the people here were going to be so helpful.

    The photos are gorgeous! I love the ones with your papa. They can certainly be enlarged. I’m guessing an 11×14 is a good size for a wall frame? Or what would you want them for? Also, they need to be de-speckled. And you got a little hair on the last one. 😉

    HUGS xoxoxxx

  4. Actually, never mind, I do know. 😛

  5. Dorothy says:

    Thanks for the award which you made, so creative! I love this posting and the old photos. Very nostalgic and it’s true about the old generation, they were a tough bunch but would be there for you. This made me think so much.

    • Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments. I was about to pull the post, feeling terribly insecure & full of self loathing. Ugh. Hope you are well today
      love, j

      • Dorothy says:

        I’m surprised I am so well today after last night…lol.
        Too much of everything last night….double ugh..back at you. Slept late though so I guess that was what I needed. These pills are amazingly keeping me sane and not depressed. My doctor will be rolling around in his chair when I tell him!

      • Amen! What are you taking again?

      • Risperidone

  6. I feel honoured to be in your list – you are a magical marvel actually!

    • You’re too kind. No really, you’re incredibly kind. Thanks so much. You have so much pain to cope with and yet you have the space for strangers – you rock!
      love & hugs, j

      • You are the one who rocks. I suffer from depression – nice and simple depression – compared to what you are conquering it is nothing!

  7. I’m glad that you continue to write about your demons. I hate that you live with these creatures. I’m here to listen. I thank you so much again for the award. I hope you are able to get a good night’s sleep lovely.

  8. I love this post so much, (except I’m a bit squeamish so skipped the clip) and your Award is a wonderful idea and I really appreciate being included in it. Thank you so much.

    I totally get what you’re saying about the difference between people who know you and don’t you. I find it’s much the same for me, people who I though I meant the world to are just silent and not there. It’s so sad but like you it makes me value my un-met friends even more. And I reckon my grandfathers would have been there always.

  9. Thank you! And I’m going to watch the clip right now because that’s what I do. 🙂 Wish there was a way to post pictures on here in comments. Although facebook actually worked for the BJ comment. I couldn’t help myself!

  10. Thank you Jill I hope you know how much your words mean to me!

  11. thanks so much for including me. I love the photographs of your grandfather. My Dad served in WWII and I need to post about him and share some of his photos. Such a different time.

    Why do people who know you not visit or check in. I notice this theme with several blogs I follow with people who have the Mentals.

    Happy 4th.
    xoxo maggie

  12. Miz Roket says:

    This is an honour! Your blog is one of few that has released me a little from the tight grip of depression… I feel more alive. It goes up and down as usual, but the “ups” last longer… And honestly the blogging is the one thing, maybe the only thing that I can succesfully
    use as therapy. And the blogging community shows so much more understanding and support for the individual blogger than in “real” life…
    Hugs to you!

    • Wow, that makes me happy! So true about this – online support group where people legitimately care – as opposed to the real world. Hugs back, sugar!

  13. beachcomber says:

    MM–great post and pics. I can so relate–so few people are able or willing to “go the distance”. I wonder if we could, in their shoes, if we didn’t know what it was like. Hang in there baby.

  14. Dear Magic,

    Sorry I’m late to thank you for your award. It’s lovely, and very touching. Thank you. 🙂

    Love Dotty xxx

  15. bipolarmuse says:

    Congrats!! I am sooooo very far behind on my reading. I am trying to catch up. LOL.
    Great post my friend. The hellraiser photos make great representations of these stupid disorders. ♥


  1. […] morning I was reading Magically Mad. She had an awards post and she had told me I was going to get one so I had to go check and I did! I kept scrolling through […]

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