So, back at the hospital I met a girl – I think I mentioned her in one of my “Inpatient” posts – the girl with the guitar and the Katrina canine rescue. Let’s call her K.
I bought tickets to see possibly my favorite live act – typically I go alone to see Jimmy Gnecco because it’s a very personal experience, but I was in the hospital and not thinking like myself. I decided to buy a VIP package and it didn’t make sense in my brain to buy just one ticket, so I bought two, having no idea who I might take, if anyone.
If you experience depression, this is an artist you need to know, Jimmy is quite magical & he’ll reach right into you.
Anyway, K started playing guitar in the kitchen that night and I sat in and said to myself “Oh, she NEEDS to hear Jimmy”. So I went back to my room, pulled up a video, wrote down the address and handed it to her on my way to get my meds. When I got back she was so excited. We talked a bit about him and she eventually said to me “If he ever plays in Boston…”. I said to stop by room on the way back to her own, that I had just the thing. And I did. And then I knew why I had bought the tickets – one for K! And why? Well, because, out of what seems like nowhere, I was thoroughly captivated by this woman. This little, arty, smart, empathetic, broken woman.
The thing is – I am straight as an arrow. And I knew then that it wasn’t physical, but I didn’t know what it was. I was definitely smitten, I had never been enchanted with any mortal, never mind a female. So I was confused, but I thought it must be a good thing, liking people is good right? WRONG. Not when you have Borderline.
So she was discharged fairly soon after that, the next day perhaps, and I felt sad for 24 hours, like I’d missed an opportunity that I could not quite define. I looked forward to the show still, I was still inpatient and K was out of my mind essentially, I kind of hoped it wouldn’t be awkward when we got together, that I had perhaps made some fucked up impression.
- She clearly goes for women – does she think I do, that it’s a date?
- She must have noticed my wedding band…also my army of offspring comes up with some frequency…
- Wait, IS it a date? Did I actually ask a girl on a date while inpatient at a psych ward? WTF?
- WTF is wrong with you, are you gay now?
- Will she like you? Are you her type?
- Is it dangerous to spend time with fellow mentals?
- Have you literally lost your fucking mind?
- Stop this shit, get your act together, you’re a grown woman!
Really the last question is the only relevant one. I am straight – there is no physical attraction, but there’s something, an energy I guess.
“Individuals with BPD tend to experience frequent, strong and long-lasting states of aversive tension, often triggered by perceived rejection, being alone or perceived failure.” √“Individuals with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, reacting strongly to perceived criticism or hurtfulness. Their feelings about others often shift from positive to negative, generally after a disappointment or perceived threat of abandonment or of losing someone.” √” Attachment studies have revealed a strong association between BPD and insecure attachment style, the most characteristic types being “unresolved”, “preoccupied”, and “fearful”. Evidence suggests that individuals with BPD, while being high in intimacy- or novelty-seeking, can be hyper-alert to signs of rejection or devaluation.” √“C-PTSD is also characterized by attachment disorder, particularly the pervasive insecure, or disorganized-type attachment.” √
“Seeking increased attachment to people,
especially to care-givers who inflict pain, confuses love and painand increases the likelihood of a captivity like that of betrayal bonding, and of disempowerment and lack of control.” √
” Attachment disorder is a broad term intended to describe disorders of mood, behavior, and social relationships arising from a failure to form normal attachments to primary care giving figures in early childhood, resulting in problematic social expectations and behaviors.” √
OK. Fair enough. Thanks Wiki. I get attached every two seconds, and I’ve developed a strong ability to drop people as quickly as I bond to them, I assume a common defense mechanism. Or not. But why her? All I can think is that I met her while inpatient and I thought we could relate to one another, nobody in my real life understands or has any interest in discussing it. And we really don’t relate, our experience is entirely different, our responses are entirely different, our orientations couldn’t be more different. But I still can’t get her off my mind. Initially it was about Jimmy, then it became something else…but what?
Since I love to close with an image, here’s one I saved for Sailor some time back.
Sorry about the formatting, I can’t get it to behave…