Anger

As most of us do, I guess I have alot of anger. But I cannot access it. I am not angry at anyone in particular, in terms of my own life experiences, the things that invited the Cenobites to live in my head, although I guess I feel fury in specific instances of politics and religion, where I am triggered, where the less fortunate or misunderstood are being crushed, and the masses are foaming at the mouth to participate in the crushing. I swear if they could put a target-individual underneath a board and pile rocks atop it until the individual of their irrational wrath was literally crushed to death (see Giles Corey) they would probably have a collective orgasm. But we’re not talking about that kind of anger, though I suspect my experience with trauma specifically formed my political views. Which are fairly passionate if not always adequately informed.

 

We lived in Salem, MA for 5+ years – we used to go to the Dunkin Donuts by the cemetery and get Baskin Robbins ice cream and sit on the benches, all dedicated to the victims of the Witch Trials. Giles was the worst though. Poor Giles…

 

I cannot access my anger. I have sadness in spades, I swim in anxiety, and, to reference a Morrissey song, death is always at my elbow, linked. But anger…it’s never really there. I don’t get angry, I shut down. And as far as the trauma, I’m not angry at anyone. I understand everything that happened and I don’t blame anybody. My sibling blames my parents for everything, although we’ve had the same experiences I’ve managed to function highly, and it’s easier for me mentally to cut my dead mother a break, given that she was sick, and to embrace my 30-years-sober Dad, who had no direction, no father, no education,  just 14 siblings and corporal punishment (most notably in the form of a hot stove and little boy skin) meted out to him all the time and a sister crush by a semi in front of him and then scraped off the road in front of him, his mother and his myriad siblings by the Boston DPW. He did the best he could.

So I’m never angry. And yet, if I listen to Nine Inch Nails I literally have dissociative experiences. Completely lose myself. And it’s because Trent’s ANGER reaches deep into me and grips mine with the force of nine-inch-nails and I just zone out, I am not there, I am not anywhere, I am just experiencing an anger I cannot even identify, and it feels good (best not to listen while driving).

But here’s a band I can listen to WITHOUT the dissociation. I play this song on a loop, it’s an older one, less refined than their more recent records. Mindless Self Indulgence has a cult following but they’re not for everybody. I steer away from their more sexually charged songs, both because I don’t relate and maybe I’m a bit of a prude (although “I Wanna do Something Freaky to You” by Leon Haywood is on every disco/soul mix I’ve ever made).  This one is angry. See if you can get through it.

This song works up my anger in a physical way, no dissociation, just YESYESYESYESYES.  We saw them live last year. They were MAGICAL! Magically mad, even…

DISCLAIMER: It is a cover – written by Method Man of the Wu Tang Clan.  Many rap groups like the “N” word – Jimmy did not put it into the song – the lyrics as he sings them are as they were written by an African American songwriter. So DON’T take offense. MSI also covers Whitney Houston and Rush, they are all over the road in terms of covers.

 

 

I just listened to it again. Why does this song bring me peace?

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Comments

  1. You’re not the first person diagnosed with BPD who says that about NIN and Trent. Mindless Self Insulgence reminds me of someone who was once special to me.

    By the way, you’re awesome! Xoxoxxx

    • Lol Paz, YOU’RE awesome! I love that we like the same music, & yeah, Trent’s stuff (actual photo of him at his Nana’s house somewhere in my pictures on FB, under “pictures of jill”) really does reach in, doesn’t it? For over 20 years now…but I live MSI! XOXO Hope you run into the cute guy at the pool again!

      • I’ll look for it later then.

        I hope I see the bearded boy at the pool too. Won’t be going back ’till Saturday, so maybe then. Who knows!

  2. I wonder if you could get angry if the sad stuff would lessen. I am actually in a rage with someone at the moment although it comes out in tears, so I get what you are saying.

    • Hmmm. Rage is more effective for me than sadness, anger is a really constructive emotion for me, so yeah, I wish I spent more time being pissed off than sad. I hope you can work out your rage in a way that leaves you relieved (do you have baseball bats across the pond? wait o, even better – you have SHARKS!). Lots of support & hugs. So sorry you’re hurting, wish I could come chase turkeys around with you & show you all the bad videos my teens expose me too & giggle. XOXOXO

  3. I guess I’m a little different. I feel rage and anger that’s not directed at others, so I direct it at myself. But I can’t stand when other people express intense anger around me . . . I cower and hide. And this music has that sort of anger to me. I guess I prefer my anger written, lol.

    • Gotcha. Funny, I was thinking mostly I’m probably angry with myself too. Sorry for exposing you to Jimmy. I don’t like all angry music, maybe 3 bands, but they do reach right in, I don’t know what it is…I don’t know any angry writing, aside from ‘Gullivers Travels’ – Swift was really pissy!

  4. Your writing expresses so clearly what you’re experiencing. I hate to hear all that stuff that happened to you in the past. Your dad under the circumstances had a lot on his plate while raising a family. I’ve heard you speak of the Cenobites before — I thought I’d heard of them. I just looked them up and saw that they’re from Hellraiser — damn girl! Keep on writing… Thanks for sharing who you are Jill.

  5. Oh yes — I like the song you posted. As I find great comfort in death metal I relate to it bringing you peace — death metal makes me feel at peace as well — the black humor, twisted ironies and iconoclastic sound and lyrics smash all the bull you have to deal with everyday.

  6. I grew up listening to everything and this makes me laugh…reminds me of 80s punk. I like it, you’ve expanded my itunes library, thanks!

  7. You know. After reading your post, I sat looking at the “Leave a Reply” box for quite a while. I am not finding the right words to type while my brain is going a thousand miles per hour with memories I don’t want to remember.

    I’m walking blindly across no man’s land thinking that any minute now I’m gonna hit a mine field or if I’m lucky, I’ll take a turn and go back to safety….

  8. Love MSI!

  9. bravingbipolar says:

    Thank you for writing this. I relate so much to everything you said.

    • Thanks so much for reading ❤ I love wordpress – where we can all relate to someone or other. In the real world these conversations don't get expressed, instead you pay a copay to have a clinician listen to whatever you're feeling. And it doesn't come out the way it does on here, where we're really free to speak. Thank you for coming to wordpress. XOXO

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