As most of us do, I guess I have alot of anger. But I cannot access it. I am not angry at anyone in particular, in terms of my own life experiences, the things that invited the Cenobites to live in my head, although I guess I feel fury in specific instances of politics and religion, where I am triggered, where the less fortunate or misunderstood are being crushed, and the masses are foaming at the mouth to participate in the crushing. I swear if they could put a target-individual underneath a board and pile rocks atop it until the individual of their irrational wrath was literally crushed to death (see Giles Corey) they would probably have a collective orgasm. But we’re not talking about that kind of anger, though I suspect my experience with trauma specifically formed my political views. Which are fairly passionate if not always adequately informed.
I cannot access my anger. I have sadness in spades, I swim in anxiety, and, to reference a Morrissey song, death is always at my elbow, linked. But anger…it’s never really there. I don’t get angry, I shut down. And as far as the trauma, I’m not angry at anyone. I understand everything that happened and I don’t blame anybody. My sibling blames my parents for everything, although we’ve had the same experiences I’ve managed to function highly, and it’s easier for me mentally to cut my dead mother a break, given that she was sick, and to embrace my 30-years-sober Dad, who had no direction, no father, no education, just 14 siblings and corporal punishment (most notably in the form of a hot stove and little boy skin) meted out to him all the time and a sister crush by a semi in front of him and then scraped off the road in front of him, his mother and his myriad siblings by the Boston DPW. He did the best he could.
So I’m never angry. And yet, if I listen to Nine Inch Nails I literally have dissociative experiences. Completely lose myself. And it’s because Trent’s ANGER reaches deep into me and grips mine with the force of nine-inch-nails and I just zone out, I am not there, I am not anywhere, I am just experiencing an anger I cannot even identify, and it feels good (best not to listen while driving).
But here’s a band I can listen to WITHOUT the dissociation. I play this song on a loop, it’s an older one, less refined than their more recent records. Mindless Self Indulgence has a cult following but they’re not for everybody. I steer away from their more sexually charged songs, both because I don’t relate and maybe I’m a bit of a prude (although “I Wanna do Something Freaky to You” by Leon Haywood is on every disco/soul mix I’ve ever made). This one is angry. See if you can get through it.
This song works up my anger in a physical way, no dissociation, just YESYESYESYESYES. We saw them live last year. They were MAGICAL! Magically mad, even…
DISCLAIMER: It is a cover – written by Method Man of the Wu Tang Clan. Many rap groups like the “N” word – Jimmy did not put it into the song – the lyrics as he sings them are as they were written by an African American songwriter. So DON’T take offense. MSI also covers Whitney Houston and Rush, they are all over the road in terms of covers.
I just listened to it again. Why does this song bring me peace?