Woke up at a 1, jumped to 5 in group, suicidal 10 after meeting with team. Not sure what the issue was, but hopelessness washed over me in such extreme waves & dragged me out on an undertow & I proceeded to drown myself in tearful hysteria on the locked bathroom floor for a while. It was too early for my Ativan so I just climbed into bed, fully clothed, boots and all, and slept until 5:40.
I talked to my husband. Something is making me want to die, something about my life, I don’t know what, all I can do is equate it to the Cenobites again, they’re just in there tearing away the fabric of my brain with hooks & reorganizing it with chains. I was SO high-functioning for SO long that I think I must have used up every ounce of strength, because I’ve got nothing, it’s will is exclusive.
So one of the bloggers I follow – Pride in Madness (http://prideinmadness.wordpress.com/) – is doing 101 Things That Make Me Happy. She is doing larger units than I have the energy for, but I am going to try and “check it” with a 1st round of 10.
Hmmm. I feel a bit better for that, I think I will suggest the exercise at group tomorrow. Thank you PIM. Big hugs.