In-patient: Time to Manipulate Myself – 101 Things that Make Me Happy

Woke up at a 1, jumped to 5 in group, suicidal 10 after meeting with team. Not sure what the issue was, but hopelessness washed over me in such extreme waves & dragged me out on an undertow & I proceeded to drown myself in tearful hysteria on the locked bathroom floor for a while. It was too early for my Ativan so I just climbed into bed, fully clothed, boots and all, and slept until 5:40.

I talked to my husband. Something is making me want to die, something about my life, I don’t know what, all I can do is equate it to the Cenobites again, they’re just in there tearing away the fabric of my brain with hooks & reorganizing it with chains. I was SO high-functioning for SO long that I think I must have used up every ounce of strength, because I’ve got nothing, it’s will is exclusive.

So one of the bloggers I follow – Pride in Madness ( – is doing 101 Things That Make Me Happy. She is doing larger units than I have the energy for, but I am going to try and “check it” with a 1st round of 10.

1. Andy Samberg’s Magical Brand of Silliness




3. Installation Art


4. The Mattress Factory Museum, Pittsburgh, PA


5. Lauren Moshie tees


6. Elevated Metro Stations in NYC (Bronx, Winter 2011)

7. Vegetarian Killer Whales & Human Creativity


8. Honey Sticks. Thank you, Bees!


9. The Klaxons – Surfing the Void


10. 28 Days Later, starring the Magical Cillian Murphy


Hmmm. I feel a bit better for that, I think I will suggest the exercise at group tomorrow. Thank you PIM. Big hugs.




  1. Those honey sticks look awesome! I’m glad you’re taking this on! I have found it fun to think about things that make me happy. I’m totally using “PIM” now! For some reason I never thought about shortening my name!

    I hope you’re feeling better soon! hugs!

  2. JAWS IS MY FAVOURITE MOVIE EVER!!!! I have seen it a gazillion times and I can’t wait for it to come out at the cinema again so I can see JAWS in GINORMOUS-NESS 😀 I wish I had my own shark.
    And 28 Days Later rocks. Also a film I love. One day I will organise a wordpress mentalists reunion (or maybe just union). We can have a film club and watch Jaws, 28DL, and NeverEnding Story.
    After the JAWS and movie excitement – I get the whole high functioning thing for so long. I spoke with my psychologist about it today. She compared me to a laundry closet that had become disorganised over time. I wish I could remember the conversation that we had but I think my brain was protecting itself/dissociated from a lot of it because it hurt too much. But I just wanted to say that I get it and I get how bad it feels to make that fall and not have the energy to climb back up. We will get there in the end. We just need to organise our closets first?
    Lots of love and xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

    • Sailor, you’re the best. Yes, a movie party (good excuse to go to England!!!) & closet organizing. Lots of that. Thank you, you are a dear. How are the cats & gaseous dogs & their mental owners? God that post was hilarious! Love, j

      • It really would be amazing 🙂
        The animals have all been amazing the past couple of days. Not had any mental owners, but the Vets have been pretty funny today. Also check out my Smile post about the Guinea Pig 🙂 xoxoxox

  3. I’ll just send you a hug:) HUG!

  4. LOVE the veggie whale!! It amazes me that people can actually take implements and veggies or fruits and create the most unique art!! What talent!! What time!! Love to look at it, admire it, “ooh” and “ahh” at it, but would absolutely pull my hair out if I even attempted it!! 😀

    • I have yet to attempt it but I bet we could both do it, it looks accessible, no? That whale is hilarious! Wondering what other carnivores can be made from veg… XO

      • Saw a photo yesterday, and I wish I could remember where, of a RED elephant — oh, what do you call those things where they take shrubbery and make animals out of them? My brain isn’t working well this morning — or yesterday actually. Anyway, it was just the cutest thing, but I wish I knew what made it red instead of green!! 🙂

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