Bear with me here. Have been UNDER for a week, forced myself to post last week, but have been hardly able to read any other blogs, much less post one. I have been wanting to die and unable to find a bed at a hospital where I would actually be ok at.
I am always listening to this 70’s mix in the car – it has a few Eagles songs (that’s where the “bear with with me” comes in – so many people “hate The Fuckin’ Eagles.” I half suspect most of this is rooted in the Big Lebowski phenomenon – everyone wants to be like The Dude. To abide The Dude.
So there I am yesterday on my way to work hoping I wouldn’t feel like dying at any point during the day and my FAVORITE Eagles song comes on. “I Can’t Tell You Why”. And because I’m in mental mode I’m listening to it with mental ears. And, as I’m listening, I hear my own inner conversation with:
- My Suicidality: Every time I try to walk away/something makes me turn around and stay
- Major Depression: Look at us baby/up all night/tearing our love apart
- My Borderline: When we get crazy/it just ain’t right/girl I get lonely too/don’t get caught in your little world/’cause I love you
- My Complex PTSD: Aren’t we the same two people who lived through years in the dark?