Assault from all sides

What a quietly, secretly, painfully wretched period of lucidity. The mental shifts leave me confused and terrorized. Before when my entire collection lovingly devoted itself to me, it was upon me before it had a name. Now each symptom has a name, an assignment, and apparently a vision, but they aren’t working in communion, they’re all over the place, like snipers from disparate rebel factions, but with just the single target.  Well, they share a warzone. They created it. But the landscape in there – sometimes it looks like a small space and sometimes I wish there were more clearly defined property lines. These conditions aren’t ones for lines though. They dismantle every defense like, well, to quote Gerard Way, “a bullet through a flock of doves.” Except there is nothing dove-like about my mind.

Everything I say is wrong, everything I do is wrong, and, I’m quickly realizing, everything I think is also wrong. I used to be a real master communicator, personally, professionally, I even thought I had a way with animals. Now your average golden retriever probably wouldn’t give me the time of day. My ability to mask it is a bit of a surprise, I suppose that comes with knowing who you’re dealing with. I have never known paranoia, but suddenly I feel personally left out, unwanted, blown off, second class. I didn’t know Borderline or CPTSD or Major Depression or Anxiety Disorder could disarm the foundation of ones confidence. Even in my darkest hours, I felt guilt, shame, regret – tangible and sharp, viscerally tearing – these feeling led to a general, opaque aura of worthlessness, uselessness, purposelessness. And these things made me wish and wish and WISH, and at times take active steps, to not BE.

Bad as all of that was, and – to anyone who made it to this entry via common mental health issues – familiar as it may be, I never took it personally.  This may appear to conflict, but you can detach enough to transcend any otherwise related questions of identity – it never mattered who or what I was, just that whatever it was wasn’t worth anything to anyone overall and more particularly not worth anything to me. So I pined for death almost clinically.

But this, the disorganized cluster of symptoms right now, coupled with every possible complication on the outside, it’s really just too much to take.  It may be the new med, after managing without any regular medication beyond benzos for a year, the Adderall may be fucking me up in ways it shouldn’t, or maybe my mind is really fragmenting. I looked up the original black box label for it and where mental health is concerned Adderall appears to be dangerous specifically to folks with Bipolar Disorder. I don’t have that. Reading

further into the warnings, however, it does say that anyone with even a family history of depression or suicide should be VERY closely evaluated before having it prescribed. My new psychiatrist suggested it 30 minutes after meeting me and we never talked about the past because I said none of it was presenting. But now it is all presenting, along with some new friends. Or not-friends.

I’ll shut up soon. This post is as disorganized as my mental state. At any given moment I feel unnatural and ill-placed sentimentality (which never leads down a good path), conflict about critical relationships, emptiness, worthlessness, a boredom that borders on psychosis (hmmm, I could break EVERY SINGLE THING IN THIS HOUSE, starting with the cabinets, moving on to the plasma, then the art collection that is my life’s blood), small- and large-scale paranoia (am also convinced that a home invasion is imminent), a brutal anxiety that batters me at every turn, sudden fierce impatience and anger that is baseless in its tenacity,  a restlessness that makes me want to flee the state, and a pervading psychic FEAR. And that’s the scariest part.

Now I’m going to curl up in my bed and beg it – out loud – to please go away.  Or maybe pleading as if I am powerless is not the way to go. GET THE FUCK OUT, ALL OF YOU, OR I WILL OBLITERATE YOU.  Just, I don’t quite know how to obliterate them without obliterating everything else. Screw that, admit to no weakness.PISS OFF, DEPRESSION, YOU AND YOUR UNITED NATIONS DELEGATION OF MENTAL DETERIORATION. YOU’RE A BUNCH OF PRICKS, YOU MANIPULATE PEOPLE’S WEAKNESSES AND THINK IT MAKES YOU STRONG. IT DOESN’T, IT MAKES YOU A BULLY. AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, HAVE A BATH AND A NEW WARDROBE, YOU LOOK LIKE RUBBISH.

And if you don’t go, there’s this dog I know…

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Comments

  1. Don’t give up. My boyfriend has psychosis, it is non specified. He was put on Seroquil which really has been a success with many others with conditions similar to his. For him it was a disaster.
    Rather than shushing the voices it ‘justified’ them. Within 2 months he was in a state of euphoria but it was not a good one. He was convinced that his audio hallucinations were right.
    One night, luckily, he had a moment of clarity, reality and it scared him.
    He called his doctor the next day and with in a month was back on track with a new med.

    The human mind is so complex and individualized that it takes trial and error to find the proper medications when it ‘short circuits’.

    I am sorry that you are having to go through this. Please call your doctor.

    • And, by the way. In no way am I claiming to know anything. I know that you already know the whole hang in there thing. Until I re read this I did not even realize that is what I did. Your words just hit a nerve in me, made me sit here nodding my head. I did not mean to try to give a pep talk, even though I did.
      I also know that sometimes knowing that others have gone through stuff, and that others are at least listening and trying to understand, it can give a boost.

      Blech, none of this is coming out right so, please, read between the lines.

    • Found it. Yeah, I had poor responses to Seroquel, I swear these meds work for the minority & not the majority! I’m ok, it just comes and goes with such frequency & I never know how I’ll feel next. Psych appt Friday, so hopefully something. I have struck out on all meds though, Treatment Resistant Depression 😦 Sucks! Thanks for your comments, they mean alot! Hugs!

  2. Ow! I feel your pain. Hang in, you can do it. I am behind you. Tell the voices to piss off. XO

  3. Eventually with work I swear things can stop and sort themselves out! Do something fun for yourself! Feel better!

  4. Dorothy says:

    The whole thing is scary. I used to like labels because then I knew I was something and not just a problem. Now I don’t care I am just me but I am so much older. Still when psychosis dances through my days on occasion I also want to just hide from it all.

    • Thanks for your comments. I also liked the labels, actually I still do, & am happy that they have fleshed out Complex PTSD from PTSD recently, although shifting Borderline PD to ‘Emotionally Unstable PD” is, to me, a horror. I also didn’t mind the meds not working – that was solid enough. But now a med IS working, it’s just bringing horrible symptoms back that I thought I had buried and bringing new ones with it. I have NEVER had psychotic episodes before, & also never had dissociation, but all of a sudden. And there are no events or environmental triggers aside from increasing stress. I think the black box label for Adderall needs to be adjusted. But now it’s helping me through my days, I’m terrified to stop taking it.

      I try not to apologize for who I am or the conditions anymore, but am still a professional with kids, 2 of them teens, & you have to justify EVERYTHING to some teenagers. I swear my 16 year old has Narcissistic PD, there’s no getting through to her. Ugh! Thanks for letting me vent. Glad you’ve largely moved past the madness.

      • Dorothy says:

        I can relate but I think I moved past my madness because my 16 year old aged to 18!! and only in the past few months have things begun to level off with her.

      • Really??? Wow, that is SOOOO much of a relief to hear. Mine are driving me CRAZY right now. You practically have to be a Buddhist monk to keep any balance…Thank you!

  5. Hang in there! I wish I had something more profound to say; but from my own experiences I have realized that sometimes that is really the best thing that can be said.

  6. If Adderall is bringing psychosis to you which you have never had then I am sure your psychiatrist will be concerned about that because psychosis is not pretty as I have experienced it myself. Also I was on Seroquel for years and too frightened to change but it really didn’t work and made me worse. I am now on Depakote alone – 1000mg. I was on Abilify for a while but never again! I couldn’t sit still or read long passages – and I had severe stomach pains and was farting alot! Big hugs to you Jill! Hope you are feeling better soon! I am bipolar but your website helps me – you are so honest it is refreshing to read!

    • Thank you SOOOO much! Sorry you have also struggled with meds, I swear I’m gonna take that genomic test! Appt Friday – I think maybe psych is crazy – I have hypertension on top of being prone to depression & a suicidal history – both are on the warning labels! I have tried every med you mentioned, nothing worked, SO glad the Dep is working for you, Seroquel made me crazy, & trilafon! Hope to have time to pop over to your page later today. Big hugs!

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