What the fuck is your problem, Adderall?

It’s been six or seven years since clinicians started to diagnose and ply me with pharmaceuticals. They ignored you and your kind, Adderall, it wasn’t me who declined to invite any Stimulants to the party. I assure you, even given your inherent indefatigable propensity, you would have been exhausted years ago. You didn’t miss anything, are you friends with the Tricyclics, the SSRIs, the SNRIs, the Benzodiazepines, the Mood Stabilizers, the Antipsychotics? All of the off label families who aren’t cool enough to be named? Well, I’m sure you’ve seen them elsewhere. But if you require an apology to treat me right, you’ve got it – I’m sorry it took so long, and if your feelings were hurt at the perception that you were ignored, it was not my intention.

You’re a bit of a tease. You’re nice enough to start with, very attentive, pleasant, even the kids enjoy your company.  You really helped me bang out cases, get caught up on correspondence, manage the household, get some writing done.  You even picked up some pounds and tossed them for me, I thought you were so kind, such a friend.

But then, what happens? Do you tire of me that quickly? You give me a few good hours and then send me into a tail spin? Taunting me, goading me into unqualified rages? Leaving me bleeding over nothing? Giving me my first-ever dissociative experiences? And you fucking called Borderline???? We broke up, she had moved on, you may have not been part of the mix at the time, but seriously, you don’t call someone’s ex and invite them into me without getting some fucking background. Have some grace.

We’ve weakened you, the good doctor and I. He has complete confidence in your qualifications, and has deduced that since you are sometimes nice to me that you must like me at least a bit. And that you could warm up to me.  I’m not so sure. That wouldn’t fit with the pattern. Both your race and my own reject me after a while. Sometimes very quickly, sometimes it drags out. Sometimes I know it’s coming, sometimes I’m floored. Sometimes I know why, sometimes it’s an enigma. Sometimes it’s mutual, sometimes I just really want the other to disappear. And sometimes I’m shattered.

There’s got to be some way to make it work. If it doesn’t, it is strictly on you. For my part, I’m trying. But if you pull that bullshit again, with the suicide chanting, I’ll, I don’t know…shit, not much I can do except toss you. But what do you care?

Just don’t fuck with me. Before you came I felt ok, just disorganized and anxious. Now I feel like a worthless piece of shrapnel. Borderline won’t leave now either, she’s a mess, disgraced, with no regard for order, her vulgar accessories occupy every available ounce of space. She’s creating almost as much trouble for my friends as she is for me. You invited her and now you’ve got to work out something with her, I have to be able to breathe.

I’ll see you in the morning. Your new bottle says you’re a bit toned down, a little slower. If you’re full of shit, please own up to it quickly. I don’t have time for this. No offense, but if I’m going to die, I don’t want it to be for you. And in case you’re more of a visual communicator – this is how you leave me at the end of the day:



  1. adderall is one of the many meds i am on, and one of the only where i can see a fast result.
    i take 40 to 60 mg per day, have been for a year and a half, and i don’t imagine i would know what to do without it at this point.

    • WOW! That is great, did I leave a comment on your elavil trip post? I meant to. Adderall hates me, loves you (Borderline means I take this very personally, anthropomorphizing pharmaceuticals), elavil has loved me for 16 years at 50 mils and it assaulted you! It almost seems random, I was reading about a genomic test that’s out there that can be an indicator of what might work with an individual patient’s genome, but that it isn’t considered to be perfect…

      Funny thing about elavil that I didn’t know until recently – its more toxic than anything I’ve been prescribed. A sure bet in a bind. So now I’m dependent on it for both migraines/sleep and suicide comforts. Who knew???

      Will keep reading your posts tomorrow. Hope you can sleep.

  2. I have never taken this med… but I hope that you and the Doc get the dossage worked out.
    Wanted to say I love the way you wrote this… I could not stop reading. 🙂

    • Thank you. Have been entrenched for years w all kinds of disorders but no one ever brought up stimulants. New doc, first thing he says. Whether works for me or not, it made me do significant research & apparently stimulants are WIDELY used, particularly in Treatment Resistant Depression, both off-label & on. So when all else fails & you’re in the mood to try something new, they’re out there.

      • Very interesting. They took my away from me because it was a stimulant that made me HIGHLY manic. Lexapro and Celexa did the same thing though they are suppose to help with anxiety. So many docs have different techniques… I think it is a guessing game.

      • That makes perfect sense, I know they don’t prescribe adderall for folks with addictive tendencies either. I think Lexapro killed my ex, who was also bipolar. I stop playing every so often, but eventually you have to try again. Oh God, “South Park” is on in the other room. I have definitely screwed up my kids. They quote Cartman more readily than any character in children’s programming. Ugh.

      • But Cartman is hilarious!! Uh-uh Starvin Marvin, those are my cheesy poofs! HAhahaha

      • Hahahaha, my fave is Chef “Come on CHILLLdren!” OH, & Miss Nicks, the goat. Maybe these are the silly things we need to pull out at 3am. I swear to god my oldest saved my life one night with a website, I think it’s catswholooklikehitler.com. The dialogue is so hilarious, I decided I could not leave a world where people were arguing online about whether its acceptable to post photos of black & white cats with hitler mustaches. “The Furred Reich”. Lord, I need to go back, that was in 2008! Purrs!

      • I need to look for that cat website!!! OMG… as I read that I laughed so hard. Hitler was bad… but cats that look like hitler… HILARIOUS…. LMAO!


  1. […] What the fuck is your problem, Adderall? – Not Quite Lost. Share this:Like this:LikeBe the first to like this. Filed Under: The Madness · « My Borderline thinks it’s Jack Torrance – Not Quite Lost […]

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